quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
