Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
