My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
