glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
