we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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