I hope mine doesn't look like that
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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