I'm so fucking centered right now
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
