Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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