Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
