Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
