I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
