if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
