Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
