Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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