oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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