Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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