so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize