Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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