new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
All I want is dick and wine.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
