I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
im having a threesome with these popsicles
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Randomize
