Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
