We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
