hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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