i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
