Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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