I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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