A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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