6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
