what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
