My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
