sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
