They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize