I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
