evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Is it because I queefed?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
