I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
