Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
