You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
