Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
