I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
