Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
