I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
