My hand turned me down
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
i out mim tonsoeep
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
