Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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