rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
