Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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