Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
