My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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