They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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