Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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