my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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