Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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