we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
