i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
