I think im going to throw up on grandma
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
