don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
