Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
