I'm going to rape someone's good day.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
