It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
worst night to have a conscience
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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